Father’s Day Again

This is my first Father’s Day without a Grandpa or my Dad living. It’s a little strange that my family ties don’t go back to a patriarchal figure anymore. Day to day life goes on, but it’s strange when you stop to think about it.

I never really know what to say  on days like today. It’s a weird feeling, and it’s hard to express, but slowly I’ve come to terms with it.

I know the pain and loss will always be there, it comes out as a random outburst of angry tears that happens every year around this time of year. It’s the annoyance at Father’s Day commercials and sales, and listening to people complain and whine about the struggles of finding a good gift. It’s always there simmering away, but some days it’s easy easier to control that others.

At the risk of posting photos I’ve already posted before, I thought I would share pictures of my Dad just being my Dad.

IMG_8668

IMG_8669IMG_8670IMG_8671IMG_8672

Miss you always.

Spirit in the Sky

232323232-fp537-7-nu=9694-657-234-WSNRCG=3-5498-94-325nu0mrj

I never know how to feel on days like today.

It’s almost too many emotions to pick apart and quantify.  I’ve always been good at quantitative analysis, so the fact that I don’t know how to explain my emotions on these days makes me almost as upset as the day itself.

  • I’m sad……but I’m not sure how sad I am, or how sad I’m supposed to be.
  • I’m nervous…….because I sometimes don’t want to talk about it when people ask, but how much of my feeling is nerves?
  • I’m jealous……of people who have their parents around, but don’t appreciate them.  Am I even supposed to be feeling that way?
  • I’m empathetic……..to the kids, many much younger than me, who’ve lost their parents.  This, more than the other emotions, has I think slowly taken up the bulk of my feelings on this day as time as passed.
  • I’m anxious……..about things in the future that I will need my Dad for, and he won’t be here when I need him.

 

This this what being an adult has come to?  If you open the door to death does it suddenly just swoop into your life and consume it?  I hope not, and most of the time I don’t think that at all!  However, in the past few weeks, it feels like death has circled around several of the people who’ve I’ve held very close during various phases of my life.  Two of my blood bank sisters now have to raise their children without loving fathers…..both taken far too young.  A high school acquaintance is left to raise a large family after her husband was taken.  A sudden death rocked not only Cornhusker nation, but the Main Squeeze’s family last week.  Sometimes, it just all feels like I don’t know what the world is coming to.

I live my life the way Dad wanted us to live in the “pre-death/post-cancer” life we as a family were handed, WE MOVE FORWARD!  We do everything we are supposed to do, and life as we had known it remained remarkably the same until it suddenly was not.

I guess in that way I watched my Dad fight cancer in much the same way he always wanted me to swim my competitive races.

Leave it all in the water, and if you can’t get out of the pool at the end, I’ll pull you out.”

I guess Dad just needed someone much bigger to pull him out when he was done with the race.

 

image

So, I suppose I shall celebrate the day by working on some woodwork for my bedroom.  I might also get around to putting my “Fuck Cancer” sticker on the car.  I was once told I had earned the right to the sticker.  I’m not sure it’s a right I wanted to have earned, but I suppose there’s nothing to do now but embrace it.  Plus, “Fuck Cancer” is a true life statement!

232323232-fp53798-nu=9694-657-234-WSNRCG=3-54983294325nu0mrj

Only the Good Die Young

Here are pictures of the people I’ve lost to cancer who were born in the month of March.

Grandpa P, born March 4th

Grandma P, born March 7th

Dad, born March 10th

 

Thank you cancer….for taking from me everyone I love who was born in March, and for forever starting my Spring off on a shitty foot!

I don’t have much else to say, the pictures speak for themselves.

I will say this……if cancer makes you angry, AND IT SHOULD, I might recommend supporting those those who are fighting this nightmare everyday, and those who have dedicated their lives to helping eliminate the nightmare.  If like me, you feel like traditional charities aren’t meeting your frustration needs, I would suggest http://www.fuckcancer.org

I don’t know that another quote about cancer has ever quite made me feel like it was ok to be angry with the cards cancer has dealt me.

We are sorry if you are offended or have a problem with the word FxCK! We are offended and have a problem with the word CANCER!”

This is the reality of cancer….a father and two grandparents taken too soon.  I’ve also lost my Dad’s mom to cancer!  I have a serious bone to pick with this awful disease!  I have however, also been fortunate enough to watch people fight and win!!  Those wins are the moments which provide hope and the strength to celebrate the memories.

FullSizeRender

The Unachievable Plan

I have plans, tons of plans!  Often, they are super unrealistic but I feel like its always good to have goals for things.  Seems totally realistic to buy a Harley even though the last time I tried to be in charge of a bike I hit a hay bale and tipped over……..yea……that happened.  Saturday morning I made a plan to steal a ’74 Trans Am….seems totally legit to me.  Just need to find out the garage code and we are good to go!

Today marks the beginning of the end of a plan that in theory seemed great, but reality had other plans.  My Dad had bought a sailboat…I assume….before I was born.  In any case, I don’t remember an existence pre-Sea Jet. That’s the name of the boat, the Sea Jet. Seems like an odd name for a boat that’s in no way large enough to be sea worthy, but it’s a play on our family initials. She’s a couple years older than I am, but she’s got a retractable keel, and that makes her a very rare girl indeed!  She’s also, I think, one of the smallest sailboats you can find with a sleeper cabin.  You could go drop anchor in the middle of the lake and live on her for the weekend if you want.  We never spent much time out on the boat, life just got too busy.  The Jet mostly hung out back behind my Grandpa’s house taking Mother Nature’s abuse.  When I was in high school, Dad and I did get it all cleaned up and launched out in the marina for the summer.  It was a good summer, and I was a big fan of scampering around the deck barefooted whist trying to learn how to sail.  I never really did learn how to sail, this was a minor flaw in my sailing plans, but that’s what Google is for right?!?!

After Dad died, I wanted the Jet to be my project.  I was going to get her all cleaned up and redone.  She was going to get new vinyl decals (blue instead of the 80’s brown she’s currently rocking), new cushions  and curtains in the cabin, and new riggings all around.  I decided on redoing everything in blue because Dad had blue eyes and I thought that would be a nice touch.  Plus…..I mean the cushions are orange…..ORANGE PEOPLE!!  I just couldn’t leave them like that!  The inside is also rocking some sorta orangey tinted wood….nothing a coat or two of white paint wouldn’t help perk up!

Can't say the years had been particularly nice to my Jet....

Can’t say the years had been particularly nice to my Jet….

Lichen, or as I prefer to call them "Nature's Slip 'n Slide", are no match for my muscles and some Dawn!

Lichen, or as I prefer to call them “Nature’s Slip ‘n Slide”, are no match for my muscles and some Dawn!

Alas, sailing isn’t really a middle class, single, white girl’s hobby.  Marina fees for the season alone are much more than I can afford, and the Jet does need new riggings before she’d be lake worthy.  I’m not sure how much the rigging would cost me, but I’m betting it’s not in the budget.  I haven’t had the heart to un-bag the sails, they look like they are fine, but if they aren’t that would be a huge expense.  Beyond the financial issue comes transport and storage.  I’m not sure my Terrain has the muscle to haul her, and I have a hard time shelling out the funds to spiff her all up if I’m just going to have to leave her outside in the weather as always.  Plus, Grandpa’s house is no longer available for free storage, so that’s a whole issue as well.

Long story short, we have to sell the boat.  I think this is the first project in my life that I’ve had in my hands and had to give up on.  I don’t often bite off more than I can chew, although I do love to dream big.  So I spent the day scrubbing the years off the Sea Jet and getting her ready for the “For Sale” signs.  Hopefully, she’ll catch someone’s attention and they can take her out to the lake where she belongs.  Realistically, I’ve done most of the hard manual labor for them now anyway!

Check the sweet 80's vintage vinyl!

Check the sweet 80’s vintage vinyl!