Sometimes Life Just Hurts

I am hurt, I am heart broken, I’m exhausted, and I just need to regroup.

 

Times like these, you’re reminded who your real friends are. They are the ones who drive an hour to meet you for lunch because you’re too exhausted to go to the gym. The ones who text to make sure you aren’t sitting at home alone on a Friday night, and the ones who welcome you, spur of the moment, into their own plans with family and friends because your world came to a crashing halt. The family and friends who try to help salvage a ruined vacation, and who make sure you eat because they know you wouldn’t otherwise.

 

This weekend, while everyone is celebrating freedom and an extra day off work, I’m trying to recollect myself and celebrating my friends and family who have never, ever let me down.

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Trying to Think Happy Thoughts

I’m not sure why, but lately I’ve been feeling very squishy and down on myself.  Usually, I’m pretty confident about myself and the work I put into looking and feeling the way I do.  One of my first posts ever  was about appreciating the body I have!!  UGH….  Lately though, I’m not sure if I’m regressing, or just not making the gains in strength I feel like I should……but I’m feeling super blob-tastic.

 

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This is a Heffalump……I’ve really been feeling lately like I’m one with the Heffalumps.  Plus side, at least Heffalumps are adorable!

 

I almost feel like I had a better relationship with my body and the way I looked BEFORE I started working out and focusing on cleaning up my diet and lifestyle.  I used to be really proud of my “non thigh gap” thighs and my cute “I used to be a ballerina” butt.  These ads used to make me feel like it was ok not to be stick thin, but lately they just haven’t had the same effect.

 

….now I just feel like the time and effort is all for nothing.

I have never….ever……in my whole life……at my squishiest…..had any qualms about jumping into a bikini and chilling by the pool or on the beach.  Now, with a vacation scheduled with the Main Squeeze in July, I suddenly feel like I need to eat carrot sticks, celery, and water until we leave.  It’s all totally ridiculous, and I know that.  I just can’t shake the feeling that I’m not looking my best.  Also, the more I think about these things, plan meals, schedule workouts, and generally bust ass trying to get my ass rounder, my stomach flatter, and my arms buffer……the worse I feel!

I ordered a new swim suit for the vaca, and it was just a total let down.  Probably due to the fact that bikinis look much better with a tan….which the SoDak winter doesn’t really allow anyone to have.  Also, I had been feeling like I was looking really good, until I realized that my butt doesn’t look like an Angel’s butt.  I felt like I had been living with delusions of skinniness, and they all came crashing down.  In my brain I was quite sure that my butt looked just like theirs, until I turned around and saw it in the mirror.

So, this is my new plan.  I’m going to chalk my March mind set up to a late onset case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, and start fresh in April!  I’m gonna focus more on making myself feel better, and get back to being confident in myself.   Being me is pretty awesome.  Look at all the things my body has and will continue do for me!!

I can make my body do all sorts of things that some people only wish they could do.  I need to learn to be more grateful for my body….which includes it’s flaws.

When all else fails, sometimes it’s nice to look back at old pics.  It’s nice to see how far you’ve come.  I find it especially helpful, because it reminds me that I’ve always been comfortable and confident in my own skin, and nothing, not even being pasty white in a bikini, should change that.

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Florida 2011….my at my squishiest

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New Years Eve 2012 with the BFF…..and Spanx

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Halloween 2014….same dress, no Spanx

 

To start April off on a good note, I got to spend the weekend with my Main Squeeze, some bull riding, and homemade pizza night.  Ringing in the month with dinner with Momma and the Squeeze and a couple PBRs guilt free felt like a really good start to getting back to my old self!

Only the Good Die Young

Here are pictures of the people I’ve lost to cancer who were born in the month of March.

Grandpa P, born March 4th

Grandma P, born March 7th

Dad, born March 10th

 

Thank you cancer….for taking from me everyone I love who was born in March, and for forever starting my Spring off on a shitty foot!

I don’t have much else to say, the pictures speak for themselves.

I will say this……if cancer makes you angry, AND IT SHOULD, I might recommend supporting those those who are fighting this nightmare everyday, and those who have dedicated their lives to helping eliminate the nightmare.  If like me, you feel like traditional charities aren’t meeting your frustration needs, I would suggest http://www.fuckcancer.org

I don’t know that another quote about cancer has ever quite made me feel like it was ok to be angry with the cards cancer has dealt me.

We are sorry if you are offended or have a problem with the word FxCK! We are offended and have a problem with the word CANCER!”

This is the reality of cancer….a father and two grandparents taken too soon.  I’ve also lost my Dad’s mom to cancer!  I have a serious bone to pick with this awful disease!  I have however, also been fortunate enough to watch people fight and win!!  Those wins are the moments which provide hope and the strength to celebrate the memories.

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Chapter 11: Math has Never Been My Friend

I realize it’s been quite some time since I have written about any of my dating escapades.  There hasn’t really been a particular reason for this, other than the fact that I guess I haven’t been going on as many dates!?!?  I’ve long since given up on all of my online dating apparati.  (Apparently the “correct” plural of apparatus is either ‘apparatuses’ or ‘two pieces of apparatus’……I personally think apparati sounds better so that’s what I’m gonna go with!)  I believe this is the first blog about a guy I actually had a long relationship with.  Of course, long is a relative term, but since all the relationships you’ve read about how been flings or short lived, I’ll consider this to be long.


 

Ahhh college, it’s a great time.  However, it’s also a time where you might make some questionable life choices.  I will be the first to admit that college me made some truly questionable choices.  Probably one of the most questionable……was ADD 3.  I refuse to look back on experiences with regret, because they have brought me to the life I live now.  Despite all my “middle class white girl struggles”, I really am loving my life right meow!!  Honestly though, if I knew that I would end up in exactly the same place I am now if I could just delete those two years from my life….I would.  I’m struggling with how to write this, because it could be quite long, but also because the majority of it was not good or healthy in any way.  I’m going to try and provide just enough background that you can grasp the situation I put myself in, and then I’ll try and just focus on the positive things I learned.

move-on-quote-relationship-text-true-Favim.com-274768Graduating college on the heels of an economic recession isn’t great.  You’ve put in tons of time, money, and energy, and done all the things you’d always been told you were supposed to do to be successful.  The ending result of all this time and money was that I was unable to find a job, despite all my best effort and hours of filling out seemingly identical applications.  I was firmly committed to the belief that moving home would be an admittance of defeat, so I did the next best thing I could think of….I moved in with ADD 3.  I knew the sort of jobs that were awaiting me back home…..essentially nothing.  I wasn’t willing to admit that sort of defeat, so against the wishes of my family….and probably my friends….I soldiered on with my plan.

After about a week, I didn’t want to be there!!  I had already known that ADD 3 had a rather substantial collection of tubs in his basement.  One of the perks of dating a guy with a house in college was that I got to do laundry for free….in the basement…..with the tubs.  Being the nice, unemployed, “housewife” that I was, I thought I would organize the basement!!  Most where garbage……random things….some of his old Army stuff…..and then I found them, TUBS FULL OF VERY NSFW THINGS!!!!!!!!

…………………………………AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH……………….!!!!!!  

Somehow, I let him convince me that it would be ok to stay, that we would work it out, and everything would be fine.  I think part of me gave in to him because I felt like I had worked so hard and upset so many people by moving in with him in the first place that once again….I was unwilling to accept the defeat that would have been moving out.  Something about college me was apparently really into winning at this point….

I eventually got a job where I traveled frequently, so I was around less to put up with his crazy.  Yes….he was crazy.  Granted, I only know ADD 3 as a PTSD suffering Army veteran. I have no idea who he was or what he was like before he served our country and saw the things he saw.  In that sense, I have only the greatest amount of respect for him, his family, and the sacrifices they made.  He discovered that he could win any argument by playing the “Army Card”.  Honestly, there was never anything I could say or do other than sit there and take whatever random insult he had to throw my way because I could never bring myself to say anything back when he’d play the Army card.  You have to remember…..I was younger and stupider then……I’ve grown up a lot….he’s partly to thank.

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This basically continued for a year, until he decided to move to Florida….and I was so relieved.  I packed up all my stuff, and we drove it to my Dad’s house in Sturgis and honestly….I was happy!  I was happy he was moving away, and I was happy that I felt like I had finally found an out.  I really thought everything was going to change for me.  It did…..but at the same time, it didn’t.  I saw him twice more after that moving day in August…..once when he flew to Minneapolis for my birthday that December, and once in the Spring.  I….the girl who was so ready to let go of the relationship, just let him continue to have one with me.  I didn’t really encourage it, but I didn’t stop it either.  I suppose that’s partly to do with being young, and partly because those who are in bad relationships always seem to have a really hard time getting out of them.

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Ok….enough of this seeming like a pity party for me….that’s not at all what I want.  Again, I don’t regret it.  I survived, I’m stronger, and I’m the person I am today because he taught me I didn’t want to be the person he thought I was….AKA a spoiled rotten, Tinker Bell obsessed princess who would never survive on her own because I knew nothing about life.  He had a few positive impacts on my life, and that’s were we will end this….the good things.

  • My relationship with ADD 3 taught me that if you set aside your pride, your family and friends will always be there to support you…..no matter why you think you don’t deserve it
  • He bought me my glorious pupperoni Scout, who has been with me through everything for the past 5 years
  • He introduced me to my fabulous hair stylist who I still drive 6 hours to see
  • He taught me how to play poker…..kinda
  • When I’m told I can’t do something or I’m not worthy of something, it just pushes me to prove them wrong.  So……I guess I should thank him for my new car, paying my own bills, and everything else he ever told me I couldn’t do
  • He introduced me to Korean food…..which is delicious
  • Spicy hot ramen is now a favorite lunch food for one of my UBS girls because of him
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The night we brought my little Scout-a-rooni home from the shelter.  #Adoptdontshop

Murphy’s Law : A Study of Maximizing the Adulting Power Within You

Some weeks, you get to party and drink beer.  Other weeks, you have to put on your big girl pants and power through some extreme adulting activities.  The past couple weeks, basically all week long, has been heavy duty adult activities….and they are exhausting.  I’m not sure how people do it day in and day out honestly, because I feel like I need a vacation from my life.

Let’s start with the biggest and most adulty of my jobs………Fixing My Dead Furnace 

My house was built in 2011.  Since the house is so new, it seemed unlikely that my furnace should have been having issues, but oh did it have issues.  I’m not sure that I could pin point the exact day that the problems started, but I know that I started trying to fix them last Tuesday.

As a somewhat slacky adult, when my furnace started to get….temperamental….I assumed I had just waited too long to change the filter.  So I swapped out the old filter, put new batteries in the thermostat, and was all ready to reward myself for my awesome pro-fixer skills.  However, that didn’t exactly work.  All week my house never got warmer than 64 degrees….it never got much colder than that, but I just couldn’t get it to warm up.  Except Thursday……..for some mystical reason, Thursday everything worked perfectly.  Friday was a different story.  I was up most of the night making sure that the furnace did kick on and that the house didn’t get too cold.  OF COURSE THIS HAD TO HAPPEN ON THE COLDEST DAYS OF THE YEAR!!!!  

Based on the events of the week, I had decided that all I needed was a new thermostat.  Clearly…..the furnace was running since it was basically always 64 degrees.  The thermostat was obviously just not telling the furnace to turn on.  Makes sense right?!?!  Since I also recently got a new iPhone that actually functions like a phone, I decided that I would buy a Nest thermostat.  They are quite expensive, but you can monitor conditions from your phone, and they are supposed to help you save money on your utility bills.  So……Saturday morning, Scout and I drove over to Lowe’s to pick up the new thermostat.  It was super easy to install, and it’s super cute!

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Look at all the cuteness!!!  And…..it lights up when you walk past!!!! 🙂

Once again, I was ready to celebrate my victory over the furnace, however once again I was wrong.  I spent most of Saturday swinging the emotional spectrum of hopefulness every time the furnace kicked on to near tears when I somehow managed to kill all the electricity to my loft.  I did manage to restore power to the loft, so that small crisis was averted.  In between the mood swings I called an HVAC company…..who told me to call Nest.  I spent an hour on the phone with Nest tech support while they attempted to figure out if I had a power sharing issue or a furnace issue.

During my time on the phone with Nest, I learned a couple things

  • No one who isn’t a native South Dakotan knows how to properly pronounce Pierre, and they are amazed we all already know there is a river there
  • Furnace issues seem to take a lifetime to resolve
  • People from Texas equate loosing heat in a SoDak winter tobloosing AC in a Texas summer.  While I can appreciate the crappiness that would be a Texas summer without AC, loosing heat on a day where the high temperature was 3 degrees above zero is a whole different can of worms!  I’m still not sure he understands that it was less about my physical self being cold, and more about the potential need for a HVAC tech and a plumber if my pipes had frozen!
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Do you see that outside temp?!?!  Bring on the cold people!

I did eventually get the furnace fixed after another call back to the HVAC company and a hefty bill for a weekend repair call.  I even made it down to Momma’s in time for dinner with my cousins and fam!  The moral of this story kids……just give up hope that you can fix the problem and call the HVAC company…..during the week….so you avoid the extra charges.

Moving down the ladder of difficult adult activities……HOA Board Member Meeting

For some reason this fall, I decided that I should embrace some adulting.  I’m not sure what exactly inspired this need to boost my responsibilities, but I volunteered myself to be a member on the board of my HOA.  Honestly, no one in the association knows me, so I’m a little shocked that I even ended up being voted in.  There were several of us up for election, and somehow I’m who made the cut.  Earlier this week we had our first meeting, and once again….I discovered some things.

  • I’m what rounds to half the age of all the other 6 board members
  • If you want to be part of the drama in the association, you need to live in the middle not on the end
  • Doesn’t matter how much you think you suck at adulting….atleast you’re not the guy who drove through his garage door!  ……yes this is an actual thing that happened somewhere in my association!
  • My outdoor Christmas decorations were a big hit around the association…..score one for Momma MisHappenings!

The meeting took two hours, most of which was just random gossip and drawing conclusions about new insurance quotes we have yet to receive.  After the meeting, I picked up dog food and ice cream…..because Scout’s gotta eat, and I deserved a treat!  Yay for small victories in adulting.

The final struggle……Vehicle Registration

Last year, I waited till the absolute last minute to register my vehicle.  I actually ended up putting the new stickers on my car late.  I know I was late because I put them on after the Super Bowl.  I don’t pay a ton of attention to football, but I’m pretty sure the Super Bowl is in February….and my car is supposed to have new stickers by January 31st…..OOOPSY

This year I did manage to get registration done…..10 whole days early!  I no longer live where the county offices are, so this involved taking an hour or so off work yesterday.  For me it doesn’t really matter, but not everyone can just scamper away from work because they all the sudden remember that vehicle registration needs to be done.  I really think that they should stay open late like one night a week.  I mean I know they are all government employees, but honestly…..some of us have less cushy jobs!  It wouldn’t normally be awful, but we all had to get new actual license plates this year.  I’ve now lost the only license number I’ve ever had!  Those old plates had seen me through all my cars, high school, college, buying a new home, and nearly a masters.

True to form, I bought the plates and put the stickers on, but I have yet to put them on the car.  Meh…..I’ve got 10 days!

 

 

The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

For the second year in a row, I’ve hosted Thanksgiving at my house.  It always makes me a bit stressed, not because I can’t cook, but because I have an issue with timing!  Last year I was probably 10-15 minutes off my projected 2pm meal time.  This year….perfect timing!  I looked at the clock as we all grabbed our plates to dig in, and it was 2:00 on the nose!  Glorious victory!  So, we had an epic afternoon of eating and way too many leftovers because I’m also not super talented at planning how much food to make…..  Turns out a 10.5 lb. turkey is like 3x as much turkey as 5 people need, and I have essentially an entire 9×13 pan of cornbread bacon pecan stuffing left over.  I shall be eating well for several weeks to come I’m sure!  I still haven’t worked my way up to making pie, so I had Momma bring the pies, and Aunt N brought a couple salads, but otherwise I did everything myself.  Adulthood Level: Intro to Pro Skills!

The Feast!

The Feast!

On to the meat and potatoes so to speak……!

Have you ever just reached a point in life where you need a change?  It feels like everything you’ve done to this point is dumb, and somethings gotta give.  I wanted this year, 2015, to be different.  I was going to be bolder, do things that scare me, and karma was supposed to reward me!  Karma did not behave like she was supposed to, and all my brave moves fell flat on their faces.

I tried to go find him......Karma wouldn't help me!!!  WTF KARMA!

I tried to go find him……Karma wouldn’t help me!!! WTF KARMA!

So…..I did the next best thing…..I changed my hair!  I had been meaning to do my traditional fall hair change anyway, but one change lead to another which let to another, and I just feel like a whole new girl!  It’s amazing how switching small things up can really change your whole outlook.

The changes started off simply enough.  I decided that it was time to be an adult and accept that fact that I don’t have perfect vision.  So, I ordered myself some glasses so I could actually see my tv and the world around me is a crispy, sharp way.  Like dropping a pebble into the mystical lake that is adulthood, that one event set off ripples of change.  After the glasses came the new hair.  The new hair brought new shampoo and styling products.  I truly believe deep down in my soul that everyday is a good hair day when your hair smells the way it does when you leave the salon!  Please, no one pop my bubble of hope about this…it’s science, I should know!  Actually, it’s probably more about the fact that the smell reminds me of the salon, and the salon is one of my favorite places.

My desire to have an epic bath time experience post Asshole Tinder Cowboy spurred me to buy fun new things from Lush.  On a whim I ordered a bath bomb in their new fall smell.  It seemed a bit questionable at the time (black pepper, patchouli, and vanilla) but I’m so glad that I did!  My new smell is Lord of Misrule!  It smells like everything that’s right with the world.  It’s a bit manly, a bit fall, a dash of vanilla, and just all around epicness!  If they ever discontinue that smell I shall be oh so sad.  So, I ordered a second order of bath bombs and the shower gel to try and get me through the year until next fall.  Cross those fingers people!  

I’ve been wearing the same perfumes since college, and they are finally running out.  For awhile I debating just rebuying them because perfume shopping is actually the worst thing ever.  Things that smell good in the bottle smell like butt on you, and lord forbid you try more than one at a time and then have to spend the rest of the day smelling “like a French whore house”!  However, I did finally find one that I’m totally digging on.  I had originally passed on it several times, because I don’t like how it smells in the bottle.  On a lark I got a sample at Sephora and I’ve been wearing it everyday.  Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb is my new jam!  I’m adding it to my Birthday/Christmas list I think! (Cough, Cough….Hint, Hint, Hint)

It looks like a little hand grenade of awesomeness!

It looks like a little hand grenade of awesomeness!

It’s really amazing how sometimes it really is the random things that can change everything.  I’m sure eventually the newness will wear off, and I’ll run out of Lord of Misrule shower gel, but in the meantime I’m loving my whole new situation.  It hasn’t changed me as a person, it’s just changed the way I feel about my situation!

The thing that never changes……and will never change…..is that even when I feel like I can’t change the small things I have my friends and family to see me through.  It doesn’t matter how bad things get or how much success you have, your friends and family are always there to support, encourage, and congratulate.  That’s what I’m thankful for this Thanksgiving week, my friends that put up with my crazy and my family that puts up with my bitchiness.  

My friends became the focal point of my trip to the hills the other week.  So here’s to my friends, the ones who had my back when I saw my college dream frat boy with his fugly new girl in the hills (Yes….I saw him out at the bars :/), the one’s who distracted me and kept my mind off the Asshole Tinder Cowboy, and the one’s who are always down for cheeseballs, beers, burgers, too many orders of chile rellenos, mystery flavor jello shots, and generally having the best time!  

I also spent a great night with G and his gorgeous baby girl when I was in the Hills, but idk that babies belong on blogs cuz the interwebs can be a weird place.  She did however teach me how to “make potatoes” on the kitchen floor, and she amazed me with her technology skills.  18 month old me could not have worked a smart phone!  Technology on little one, and grow up to show the world what’s what!

 

Pop Culture Inspiration

Nothing much exciting is happening this week in my life.  School started again…..barforama to optimization techniques.  So, I’ll have to get after that this weekend while I can more beans and peppers because ya know….I’m obsessed now.

I thought I’d throw together a list of women in pop culture who inspire me.  I have plenty of strong, inspiring women in my every day life, but every once in awhile a celebrity comes along and gives you a little extra boost of inspiration.

Rhonda Rousey

Could we talk about this outfit?!?!? I want it.....gym motivation right here!

Could we talk about this outfit?!?!? I want it…..gym motivation right here!

Should you ever feel like taking the lazy way out in life remember……Rhonda doesn’t have time for DO NOTHING BITCHES!  She says that it’s a term she uses to describe

  the women my mother raised me not to be.”

 I think that’s incredibly important in today’s society.  She sets goals and demolishes them, and that’s something that any mother should want for her daughters.  We don’t all have to win fights in 34 seconds, be rolling in cash money, or become a celebrity to prove you’re worth something.  Getting up everyday and working on the life you’ve made yourself……that makes you a DO SOMETHING BITCH……and that’s the kind of bitch my parents raised me to be.

Khloe Kardashian

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Someone’s got to be the tallest one. It’s not a role just anyone can fill!

Yes yes yes….I know some of you are gonna hate me for saying I find a Kardashian to be inspirational.  Just hear me out.  I think it’s important that girls of every shape, size, color, and height have someone to look up to.  For me, Khloe has been that person.  It’s just nice to feel like you don’t have to be a stick figure blonde to get somewhere in this world sometimes.  We tall, curvy, brunette women have to stick together….after all, it can get a bit lonely up here in the clouds.

No matter what, my weight doesn’t define me.”

She’s my reminder that I can be tall and wear heels.  Who cares if I tower over people….it’s a good way for my friends to find me when we are out and about.  Also she’s got sass for days and an epic bitch face!

Nicki Minaj

Can we talk about this dress!?!? Someday I could get married in a less pink version of this!

Can we talk about this dress!?!? Someday I could get married in a less pink version of this!

I’m not generally a huge fan of hip hop music, but sometimes Queen Minaj just gets my jam!  I also think it’s nice that she stresses the importance of education to her fans.  She’s known for promising her fans that they can be anything they want to be, but they need to stay in school.  She also never hesitates to call out the inequalities between men and women.

I stand for girls wanting to be sexy and dance, but also have a strong sense of themselves.  If you’ve got a big ol’ butt?  Shake it!  Who cares?  That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be graduating from college.”

I just want women to always feel in control.  Because we’re capable- we’re so capable.”

Women should be allowed to be as hardcore and sexual as we want, because men do it all the time.”

Ironically, I read on Yahoo! this morning that Nicki Minaj and the Kardashians were voted two of the worst influences for kids by parents.  Whatever, they can still be my role models because I’m not a child anymore!  This is maybe why I shouldn’t have kids…?!??!