Time to Get my Booty in Gear

I’m generally not one for recording goals.  I think everyone has goals that they mull over in their minds, but it’s often said that the most productive people write down their goals so that they can actually see them.  I’ve sometimes debated creating journals and lists for myself, but I know myself well enough to know that I’d probably do it for a week or two….but my commitment to these things never lasts very long.  Really, my commitment to most things only lasts until I forget to do it once and then it’s just all over.  Taking vitamins…..solid for a week or two at a time until I space it off one night and get out of the habit.  Honestly, this blog is one of the longest things I’ve ever committed to……and even on this I’ve missed a couple posts here and there…..like last week for instance!

I’m not interested in books like 50 Shades of Grey okay?!  I’m interested in the life changing magic of tidying up.  That’s right, how to declutter my home to achieve inner peace, and my optimum level of success!  That’s what your 30’s are about.  How can I turn this shit around?!  I’m a horrible person, I’m not happy with where I am.  How can I turn this shit around?!  Help me Tony Robbins, help me! — Ali Wong

So, in an effort to try and motivate my nearly 30 something life towards my maximum level of success….I present THE TO DO LIST!

  • Work to double my number of followers on social media — I have little to no idea how I’m actually going to accomplish this, but I’m hoping that people will just start to realize the amazeballsness that is me and decide to come along for the ride?!
  • Upgrade my blog account to look more professional — I’m thinking I’ve reached a place where I should take the plunge and fork over the cash money to buy my URL outright.  I’ve stuck with this long enough that I think it’s officially a thing.
  • Prepare, practice, and study to perform a successful turkey hunt this fall — Okay, so there’s nothing saying that every hunting trip is successful, that’s why it’s called hunting and not shooting.  However, I have good feelings about trying to get ready for a hunt.  I didn’t buy the bow with the intention of hunting,  but turkey tags are relatively inexpensive, I’m in charge of Thanksgiving so I obviously need a turkey, and I feel like this plan will help keep me motivated to hit the ranges.
  • Recommit myself to my fitness, specifically cardio — I say that like this isn’t Easter weekend and I’m not just lounging around munching and snacking.  However, I have recommitted myself to sculpt and rowing classes at the gym.  Also, summer time is coming and that means bike time on the trails with Pimp Money and his wife, so maybe I’ve sorta got this in check?!
  • Finally motivate to do the yard updates I’ve wanted since I moved in —  I can’t guarantee that I’ll be allowed to make these updates.  Mostly this sits in the hands of the HOA board.  However, if they approve my plans I’ll have to put them into action.  I took the first steps tonight by finally emailing the board with my requests, so now we just have to wait.  Approval will mean some digging and serious time in the yard ripping out and replacing plants, and digging up grass for a garden!

I’m not sure what kind of optimum levels my success will reach, but sometimes I think it’s important to take steps to over ride your inner lazy girl.

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Choose Your Own Series of Unfortunate Events

Several events recently have forced me to wonder how much say we actually have in our own lives.  I know that everyone always says, “You’re in charge of what happens to you!” and “Your future is always in your own hands!”……but is it really?!  Lately, it feels like lots of things get decided for me, and I just have to react to them.  That isn’t to mean I don’t have a choice, it just seems like the choices we’re given in life are usually slightly unfavorable.

For example…..health insurance……any way you slice it, it’s expensive and frankly not that great.  Either you have to pay a million dollars a month in premiums, or pay a million dollar fine if you choose not to carry coverage.  Technically, you have a choice, but the options aren’t great.  It can be even worse if your insurance dictates what doctors you can and can’t see.  That’s what happened in my state because the two large hospitals are in charge of the insurance.  They decided they couldn’t find a “favorable” choice with each other, so they decided to pass the crappiness on to the general population.  But!!!  A big wig at one of the hospitals was interviewed by a news channel and was quick to remind us that we have several amazing choices!

  • We can switch doctors so that we can pay in-network amounts……
  • We can pay out of network prices to keep our physicians who used to be covered under the insurance plans……..OR and the “option we obviously don’t prefer”
  • We can try and find insurance through someone else

I get that these are technically all options, and that I do have a choice….but someone needs to explain to me how any of these are good options for me, because I’m just not seeing it.  I was so excited this year to not have to tinker with my insurance, but that’s all gone down the drain now!

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When you feel like you’re finally starting to get a handle on life.  You can hold your head up, you’re styling, and your ducks are finally in a row….

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….and suddenly things go drastically downhill, you no longer have any idea what’s happening to you, and your ducks start wandering around in confused circles of crazy.

These are baby pictures of me…..illustrating that some of us get on the struggle bus sooner than others, but I think once you’re there you can’t get off.  It’s a bit like the Hotel California that way I suppose, “You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave!”  I made it 12.5 weeks before I got on the bus, still riding strong today!

Another example……my HOA dues…..  If the board doesn’t receive a unanimous YES vote to changing the by-laws, dues will have to skyrocket.  It’s a bit involved so I won’t bore you with the details, but my ability to comfortably afford to continue living in my house now rests in the hands of the 142 other votes the board needs for approval.  What election in the history of ever has had 100% voter turnout…..and then that 100% turnout all voting the same way?!?!  The odds don’t feel like they are running much in my favor.  Again thought, I suppose I have options……sell my house and move, or drastically adjust the way I live my life.

Why are all the options we are given as adults crappy?!?

Although, to be fair, little kids have there share of crappy options too…..we as a adults just have a hard time rationalizing then as shitty.

Case in point, last night we had a large, extended family pizza party.  My cousin’s little toddler of a son was slightly annoyed cuz he had been too busy to nap…..option 1.  He was given the chance to nap, but why nap and miss out on things when you can stay up and maybe just be a lil bit annoyed.

At some point previously he had bitten his cheek which was only being aggravated by the pizza sauce, you know that feeling…..it’s unpleasant at best!  When given the option of ice cream instead of pizza, he got quite upset because he didn’t want the ice cream….he wanted pizza.  Now, as an adult….pizza or ice cream (frankly both) would be equally acceptable dinner time options.  The tiny nugget however, didn’t realize that ice cream was a perfectly acceptable dinner time selection and instead insisted on trying to suffer through pizza.  He had options, he just didn’t view any of them as great and had to suffer through what in his little mind was the better choice…..even if that meant extreme mouth owies with every bite.

Maybe when you boil it down and get right down to the nitty gritty, life is just a choose your own adventure book, only that the adventure usually is a series of unfortunate events.  Sure the events change and morph as we get older, and your unfortunate event might be someone else’s dream…I get all that.  But, unfortunate events are in the eye of the beholder, so I guess we will all just keep having to making choices, flipping ahead to the assigned page, and fingers crossed that we don’t regret our decisions.

The Thing You’re Maybe Not Supposed to Talk About….but I’m Going To!

Since Monday the 10th was World Mental Health Day, I thought I’d talk about something that you maybe aren’t supposed to broadcast to the world……

I, like a ton of people I know, struggle with my mental health.

I don’t mean that I struggle in that…..things don’t always go my way and it makes me sad.

I mean I struggled to the point that it started effecting my ability to function in my everyday life.

If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile, you’ll know that my family and I have been through our share of struggles.  Beyond the struggles I’ve written about, there are other struggles I’ve dealt with that I’m choosing to keep private for the time being.  As my Momma said the other day, in reference to someone else’s blog, “You don’t have to broadcast everything.”

I know that this is an issue that many people would keep private.  I’m choosing to share because talking to other people is what finally convinced me that the way I was feeling wasn’t normal, it wasn’t ok, and I didn’t have to keep doing it.  If I hadn’t opened up, or had someone tell me I could do something about it, I don’t really know what would have happened.  I don’t mean that cryptically, I just needed some reassurance to take the steps I needed to to help myself feel ‘normal’.

The people who know me best would probably describe me as high strung.  I tend to operate best under a slight veil of panic, sometimes of my own creation because of laziness, but other times because it helps me focus.  My panic/anxiety used to be a tool I used to get things done.  It was what allowed me to power through all night study sessions and essay writing nights in college.  It helped me focus when times got stressful, and I was always the girl you could count on to be standing tough no matter what was happening around me.  I remember my ex being almost stunned when I sat through my father’s funeral dry eyed and stoic.

It’s just how I was…..I wore my panic like a badge of pride.  No matter what was going on around me or how I felt inside I could focus my anxiety into something and that felt like it made everything ok.

Eventually, and slowly, the panic and anxiety started to become something different.  It started to become something that made me fixate on problems and grind away at solutions that were never going to be found.  It made me irritable, and even the smallest inconveniences or issues became the causes of explosive fights or full on melt downs.  I had had phases like this before, so I didn’t think much of it, and just waited for things to get better.  They always had before, so it made sense to wait and that they would again.

Except that this time, they didn’t get better, they got worse.

My panic and anxiety got so bad that it was literally every once of my mental strength everyday to get through the work day without screaming or curling up in a ball and crying. Most of my time spent at home was spent being totally exhausted and drained, and it got to the point that I was having at least one full blown panic attack a day.  I would often cry so hard I would hyperventilate and pass out.  I usually woke up with poor, little Scout standing next to me or licking me, looking very concerned that her momma was being a huge pile of snot and tears all the time.

Food sounded disgusting, so I basically quit eating, or ate very little.  This isn’t at all normal for me….I LOVE ME SOME FOOD!  My rational self knew I needed to eat, but a couple bites of something was all I could stomach at a time.  I kept working out…..at a manic pace…..because that’s what they tell you to do when you have anxiety.  Workout, release the good endorphins, channel your stress into lifting…….we’ve all heard this sort of advice, and generally I’m a bit fan.  Sometimes though, that isn’t enough.

I finally went to my family practice doctor after several conversations with the Chemistry Bestie about my symptoms and the way I had been feeling.  Apparently, my symptoms were classic panic and anxiety….which can be brought on by a number of things.  In my case, they don’t really know why…..and that’s ok.  I was checked for thyroid issues, which can sometimes be the cause of anxiety and weight loss, but everything came back normal.  Apparently, panic and anxiety disorders can reach their apex when people are in their mid to late twenties…..it’s just a thing that can happen to people.

I was put on a low dose of Lexapro, and I have to say that I’m feeling much better.  I feel more like myself, only maybe a better version of myself.  Things don’t stress me out they way they would have before.  I don’t mean that I’m wandering around like a drugged up zombie…..I still have feelings.  I still get sad, happy, angry, frustrated, ecstatic…..everything you want to feel, and somethings you don’t want to feel, about life….I still feel.  I just feel like my lows don’t take me as low, and I feel like I recover from things faster.  When I get annoyed or frustrated with something I still feel it, but it doesn’t ruin my whole day.  Also, because I’m a bit calmer in general, I’m better able to respond to the things that make me frustrated.  I work through challenges better because I’m not always so worked up.

The moral of this story is that admitting you need help, and then getting that help don’t make you a failure as a person nor does it make you any less yourself!  You don’t need to feel like you have to just suffer through things.  You might be surprised who around you is working through their own struggles with mental health, and how much talking about these things can help you.  There’s no reason to hide your feelings.  Who knows, maybe you’ll discover that talking out your feelings and issues is enough, and if it’s not….always remember there are other options to get you back to feeling like yourself!

A Series of Unfortunate Failures

It hasn’t been a great week here at Casa Mishappenings.  For a whole plethora of reasons, this week has just kicked my ass.  Scout was sick, like really quite sick, I’m sick, work was…..challenging.

Here’s a numerical ranking of the ways in which this week has been less than ideal.

  • Piles of puppy puke cleaned – 8
  • Hours spent reanalyzing and recalculating data at work that the customer decided they didn’t want anyway – 7
  • Hours spent in pointless meetings at work when I could have been doing my actual work – 6
  • Hours spent upside down….on my head….with a cold….installing baseboard in my bathroom – 5 (Mostly due to the fact that I’m quite sure it would have been faster to remove my toilet and then reinstall it than try to piece together moldings in the tiny toilet nook.)
  • Pots of tea made in an attempt to destuff my nose – 4
  • Doses of cold medicine taken – 3
  • Misfired nails needing to be removed from woodwork – 2
  • Drill bits broken off in woodwork never to be seen again – 1

It’s been like the 12 Days of Christmas around here….only with failures!

Some weeks I guess you just can’t win.

Chapter 14 : Naked Burrito Dude

Now that I’m a single twenty something again, I can return to writing about all my dating adventures.  Apparently……this is something that’s frowned upon in relationships.  I’m not sure why, because my past relationships are what shaped me into who am I and brought me to this point in my life.  But, I suppose on the other hand I can understand how being confronted with your person’s past all the time could be awkward.  When you get to be this age, we all know everyone has dated someone else before……we just collectively don’t acknowledge this fact and pretend it’s not a thing that’s happened.  It’s just one of the unwritten laws of being a single twenty something.

 

For this particular chapter, we are going way back on the dating scale.  Back many moons ago when I was merely a middle aged twenty something in search of a quality drunk weekend with friends.  Ok, so I’m still generally in favor of a good old fashioned drinking weekend…..but the point is I was younger and life generally seemed better!

I mean, would you just look at us?!?  Babies!  Infants!  

Blissfully still unaware of how much being an adult can suck.  I had strings of pink tinsel in my hair!!!  So, there I was all done up with a fresh hair cut, dye job, and tinsel……in a silver mini dress….wearing spanx and two bras (to shove the girls way up there fake boob style)…….and 5 inch silver heels.  I’m going to be honest when I saw that plenty of guys talked to me that night, but all of them were short and not really all that great.  I was also the subject of a fight between a married couple at one point because he was sure my boobs were fake, and she was sure they were real.  I’m not sure what happened to them, or how the fight ended….it was sorta weird and I mostly just exited their area.  Things were going along as they do most party nights at a bar, and then up walked Burrito Dude.

I remember taking off my heels and standing in the sawdust at the Saloon 10 to verify the fact that Burrito Dude was taller than me.  I tend to put people through this check before I invest any sorta energy into them…..does that make me shallow?!  It probably does, but to be fair I don’t think it’s changing anytime soon.

I was fairly drunk that night and I don’t remember a ton of details, but I do know that in trying to dance with me, he unzipped my wristlet and sent my poor little slider phone flying across the dance floor where it landed and broke apart.  The phone and I survived the night….barely, and the night ended with Bitch Faced Bestie yelling at Lil B about being a lady because she was sitting on the sawdust covered floor trying to find us a ride home.  We did get a safe ride home, but we still haven’t let her live down “the sawdust event”.

Next day, in the middle of hangover lounging with the BFB, Burrito Dude sent a text asking if I wanted to go to dinner.  I didn’t really want to, as the hangover was becoming pretty real, but I did eventually agree to go with him.  He ate steak tips and I sipped a Diet Coke….I’m sure I was a great date….although I think I probably did munch a couple of his fries.  He went home, I passed out to sleep off the weekend, and drove home the next day not really thinking much of it honestly.

A few weeks come and go and Burrito Dude decides that he wants to come see me.  He does, but I don’t even know what we really did.  I do recall that before he left town we went to Ihop and I had cheesecake pancakes.  I think it must say something about my priorities in life that I remember that I had cheesecake pancakes, but I can’t honestly tell you what he and I even did other than that.

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They have chunks of cheesecake in them…..who wouldn’t want these!?!?!

I did end up making a trip back out to the hills Valentine’s Day weekend.  Now, don’t get any ultra mushy, romantic ideas.  I mean I did see him, but mostly I went because The Girls and I had planned to go to a fancy masquerade party.  I don’t think we went…..I think we instead ended up drinking downtown again, as we usually do.  He was in town with his parents for some fundraiser activity, and he ended up driving me and my car back to his house in Rapid City.  I’m pretty sure I passed out in the passenger seat.  (Don’t judge me…I was younger and partied harder back in the day!)

Once again, I don’t think we did anything all that exciting, but at some point he decided we needed food and we went to Qdoba.  Just as I was getting all ready to show my chicken burrito who was boss, he chirped in with the fun fact that if I had gotten a naked burrito bowl I would have saved myself 300 calories.  In response to my dismay at why he would even know that sort of information he replied,

It’s just more calories to work off at the gym.

That was really the beginning of the end for us!  I also ended up making him taco casserole…..which is amazing, and he said it would be better if it had less cheese and sour cream…….(cue cricket noise of shock)…….

The actual end was when he basically kicked me out of his house later that weekend so that he could go skiing.  Nothing says, “I’m into you” like waking a girl up and kicking her out of your house so you can go hit the slopes.  I went to Philly Ted’s, picked up my traditional order of cajun chicken sandwiches to bring home, hit the road, and basically never looked back!

Shortly after me, he met a girl that he still is currently dating.  Actually, I saw them the other weekend when I was out in the hills for the concert weekend with the besties.  I was pretty sure that he didn’t know who I was, but BFB was pretty sure that he did.  Who knows really, but it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.  The only things I remember about hanging out with him was what I ate….and probably he was secretly judging me the entire time.  

……Plus, he’s a cat person….and I’m sure you’ve all figured out by now that I am not a cat person.

Weekend Fix #3 and New Favs

Last Thursday I got my 3rd Stitch Fix box.  I somehow missed the email from them saying that my box was being styled and asking for any input, so this box was a total mystery!  I had no idea what was going to arrive.  It was an all day monsoon on Thursday when the package got delivered.  Luckily, I happened to have my storm door unlocked, which isn’t normal for me.  I would have had to wait all weekend for my pieces to dry out before I would have been able to try them on!

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I can’t even tell you how long I have wanted a plaid, pencil skirt!  Ugh….I so wanted to like this, and I kind of did.  However, it’s a tiny bit too small, and I think I’d prefer a slightly longer style.  For the price, $88, I just couldn’t keep it because it wasn’t totally perfect.

 

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I’ve finally decided that I like my booty and hourglass hips in a pencil skirt….which is a huge win for me, but that pucker situation though…..not worth the money!

 

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Again, I really wanted to like these, but there was just too much not quite right about them to justify the price.  While they were a flattering cut and actually long enough for me, they gap slightly in the back because I’m too curvy for them.  They were fairly high waisted on me, which isn’t my favorite feeling for everyday wear, and I’m not sure how much use I would get out of “trouser cut” jeans.  I’m just not that fancy.  I would just as soon take the money, $88, I would have spent on keeping these, and spend it on regular jeans that fit me better.

 

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There’s nothing wrong with these earrings, other than the price.  I like them just fine, I just don’t feel like there are worth $38.  I feel like I could find a similar style to this at stores in town for significantly less money.

 

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Fairly nondescript, black turtle neck.  I’ve never been a fan of turtle necks….I’ve had a couple through my life that I liked, but generally they are never my go to items.  It fit, and the sleeves were long enough…..but it was just too blah to keep for $64.

 

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Cute and comfy long sleeve t-shirt is the item I’m keeping.  After my $20 styling credit, the shirt costs $34.  It has a cute pink zipper detail all up the back, and the sleeves are long enough for me!

 

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Little back zipper!

On to a couple of my favorite new makeup products!  A girl can never have too much makeup!!!

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I’m not sure if these are new…but they are new to me, and I love them!  I’ve seen some mixed reviews, but I have three….two full sized and one deluxe sample, and I love them all!  They dry down super matte, but I don’t find them drying.  They mostly last all day on me even eating and drinking totally as normal.  Even if they wear a little, I find it super easy to just touch up any faded areas.  AND…..they smell like mint and go on with a slight tingle….love it!

The lip paint colors I own are…..

Rave — Greigey Brown

Namaste — Pinky Nude (This is pink on me, but my lips have a lot of color in them naturally.  It might be lighter “nude” on other people)

Hangry — Berry (Deluxe sample size)

 

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If you’re going to wear fancy lips, you need to make sure they stay looking fresh.  I love this lipliner!  It’s clear so it works with any color you own, and it keeps your lips crisp all day.  Without liner, my oily skin causes lip products to bleed out on me all the time.  This liner keeps everything in place for all day wear!

Chapter 13: The Blog I Thought I’d Never Have to Write

I never thought I’d have to write this blog.  I’ve written blogs like this before, but I never thought I would have to write one about this person…..Main Squeeze…..

 

I wrote the title and the first line 2 months ago, and then I just sat on it.  I waited in the hopes of not burning a bridge, I waited hoping that things would change, and we would get better.  I waited thinking that if you had love everything else would eventually fall into place.  I waited thinking that a connection as strong as and instant as we had had to mean something.

I was wrong

For two months I fought everyday to hold on to feelings and a love that I thought could get us through anything.  I knew I couldn’t make him love me, but he swore that he did, and he promised that a life with me was what he wanted.  He was my person, he was the one I turned to to make things better, and even now I just want him to tell me that things will be ok.

For two months I waited.  Waited to feel like I mattered to him again, mattered more than just a text message, or a random phone call.  Waited for him to decide that he wanted to see me, and that things would go back to how they had always been.  In the moments were it all felt hopeless he would talk to me, and we would talk about how we were feeling and how much we loved each other and it felt like we’d turn a corner…….but the corner was never a corner, just a ring.

For two months we talked everyday.  He told me how much he wanted to fix things and that we were going to work on things to be better together.  And for two months I believed him, I trusted that we wanted the same thing, and I had hope that things would be ok.  After one ruined vacation with him, he told me he wanted to go on vacation with my family, and I trusted him.  I invited him to spend time with my family even though I had never met his.

For two months I poured my whole heart into something that couldn’t have been more of a lie.

Yesterday he told me that he’s no longer in love with me, but that he still loves me.  Yesterday he told me that we have nothing in common, because I don’t love sports the way he does.  Yesterday he told me he no longer could see me in his future, because he doesn’t want to be in a relationship like we had.

In that moment, everything felt like it was crumbling.  I had known things weren’t perfect, and I knew we were nearing the end, but to have it happen all over again was something I just wasn’t ready for.  I had woke up Friday morning knowing that he wasn’t going to come see me for the weekend like he promised. I don’t know how or why any of this caught me off guard and made me feel so helpless, but it did.  To have to listen to him say those things after finding so much comfort the night before in him saying that I was the girl he wanted and that we weren’t fizzling out, it was crushing.

I don’t even know how to feel…..