Someone’s Getting Married!

….It’s not me, no one freak out!

One of my favorite girls is getting married today!  It’s been a pretty busy week of cake baking with Bitch Faced Bestie, wine drinking, and general work stresses.  Also my computer crashed last night.  It spent the night trying to reset itself, but still hasn’t become a computer again so I don’t think the odds are going in my favor….

To celebrate the upcoming  nuptials, the bride’s sister requested that we all write her notes to be given to her at the bachelorette party.  The notes could be advice, a story…..really whatever we wanted.  Since I obviously have no marital advice to offer, I wrote the best letter I could.  It’s a bit naughty….ok kinda sorta a lot naughty, but remember that is was written to be funny and read at a fellow twenty something’s bachelorette party!  Posting it here seems like a great way to kick off her perfect day!

CONGRATS GIRL!!!!

To my dearest “All I ever do is win, win, win”,

By this point, we are all pretty aware that I’m not the queen bee of relationships.  I’ve tended to adopt the Dane Cook model of “relationshits” as my general life feeling on the issue of love.  However….the one thing I am good at is “losing my leaves”!!!

So, on this glorious occasion where you have filtered through all the “relationshits” to find your Prince Charming, I will offer up my best “leaf losing” advice!

  1. Always fight naked…..but do not make him bacon in this state, no matter how much he begs.  Maybe just don’t cook him anything naked…..
  2. Should you find yourself in front of a lingerie display wondering, “Do I need this!?”, the answer is always yes!
  3. Don’t be afraid of the fights.  Always fight fair, but remember that angry sex can sometimes be the best sex.

Since I don’t want the Fiancee to feel like all the advice is too girly, I consulted some dudes about the issue.  Please fine their…..questionable….advice below.

  1. Make sure he licks you, and twice on Sundays….because he apparently won’t be doing anything else anyway.
  2. Starts with an S….ends with a wallow……

……Actually, ignore the dude advice, they are idiots!

In all seriousness, I wish only the best for you and your new family as you embark on this lifelong adventure together.

Love,

The  always , mostly leafless despite

my best intentions tree

I’m doing the bride’s makeup, and bestie baked all the cake and cupcakes.  The Terrain-y is loaded down will all the makeup I own and enough cake to feed an army.  Time to stop for coffee and hit the road…..someone’s getting hitched today!

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